


code orange

by angelsprunch



Category: IT (2017), IT - Stephen King
Genre: Abuse, Angst, Burning, Eating Disorder, F/F, F/M, Fighting, M/M, Pining, Self Harm, Sexual Assault ( mentioned ), Slow Burn, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, but i decided to let some kids that i met live on in writing, i was debating if i should do ocs or bring in the other canon characters, psych ward au, since they couldn't live on in life, so pls don't accuse me of romanticizing, this is all based off of personal experiences, when these are things that i witnessed during my childhood inpatient
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-01-23
Updated: 2018-03-27
Packaged: 2019-03-08 10:06:43
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 7
Words: 19,395
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13455987
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/angelsprunch/pseuds/angelsprunch
Summary: mike hanlon gets admitted to a psych ward because his parents were worried. he didn't know what he expected, but it apparently wasn't a bunch of kids like him in one way or another. they weren't these crazed people that were out to hurt him. they were kids that had been hurt and were trying to find some new ways to make the hurt go away.





	1. the moon was up, making things a little more alive

**Author's Note:**

> so i’ve seen a lot of psych ward aus and tbh they make me mad?? i was in and out of psych wards from the age of twelve to eighteen and i’ve been in several different psych wards. it’s almost never like what people paint them as in the aus that they write so i wanted to try to write one with my own experiences. let me know what you guys think

“You don’t really need a tour. All of this stuff is labelled and it’s really hard to get lost around here. They typically just have someone give a tour so that you can get to know someone. It’s really overwhelming to just walk into the common area and be attacked by literally everyone. They get really excited when someone new comes in.” **  
**

Mike nodded and continued to follow the shorter boy down the hall. The nurses station was the first thing he saw and then the other boy had walked him down the hallway of bedrooms. About halfway down the hallway it split off into an intersection. To the left were a few more bedrooms, the kitchen, and a dining area. Ben had explained that that was where they ate breakfast but they ate lunch and dinner off the unit. To the right was the common area and a hallway that led to a door which was locked, but led into the courtyard. There was a whiteboard on that wall that had a list of names with backwards checkmarks beside the names. “Why are the checks backwards?” he had asked, walking closer to the whiteboard as he studied it.

“Bethany always does the checks backwards when she’s counting how many people are leaving. It’s just a silly thing that makes some of us laugh. Some other patients get pretty annoyed by it, but she continues anyway.” Ben explained with a smile. Ben was almost a head shorter than Mike. He was much rounder, but it was clear to Mike that he was trying to hide that behind a baggy grey sweatshirt and pajama pants with snowflakes decorating them. The hem of one pant leg was rolled up and the other pooled around Ben’s toes.

Nodding with a smile, Mike turned his attention away from the board and back to the boy that was giving him a tour. He opened his mouth to say something because he felt like he should. Nothing came to mind, though, so he simply closed his mouth. Ben offered a warm smile before he pointed down the hallway that stretched on. “There’s some more bedrooms down there. I’m pretty sure that they said you’d be rooming with Richie. He tends to always be talking but we had lights out about an hour ago and he’s on pretty heavy sleep aides. So you probably won’t experience him in all of his glory until the morning.” Ben smiled, walking down the hallway to lead Mike to his room. “I’m in the first room on the left. My roommate is Bill and he’s, uh, something. We both tend to stay up later so rather than letting our roommates complain about us they just put us together. Don’t go up to him tomorrow, though, wait for him to come to you.”

Mike nodded once again and he bit his lip. Ben seemed nice and friendly, Mike hoped that most of the other patients were like that. Something about Ben seemed vaguely familiar as well, but Mike couldn’t quite place where he recognized him from. “Do you know when I’ll get my clothes back so I can change into pajamas? I meant to ask but my mom had a lot of questions for the nurse and before I knew it, I was being introduced to you.” he explained, tugging awkwardly at the edge of his shirt. He was still in a worn pair of blue-jeans and a graphic tee and he really was hoping that he wouldn’t have to sleep in those.

“They usually check stuff overnight for any form of contraband. If you need something before bed, though, you can go down to the nurse’s station and ask for something. They usually give you what you ask for as long as it doesn’t have strings or anything else that’s against the rules.” Ben explained. Mike could see that the other boy was growing tired and he didn’t want to keep him away from his bed any longer.

A calloused hand came to rest on the smaller boy’s shoulder and he smiled warmly. “Thank you for showing me around and being so friendly. I was kinda nervous but you make this a little less scary.” he smiled. Ben didn’t flinch away from the touch and instead he nodded a little. He looked like he was going to say something but a staff member came down the hall and ushered Ben to his room while thanking him for teaching Mike the ropes.

Mike asked the nurse if he could get some sweatpants from his bag and she told him that they’d have to cut out the strings if it had any. It made sense to Mike and he nodded, following the nurse to the nurse’s station. It took a few seconds for his bag to be located and a pair of sweatpants to be found in the clothes that his mother had packed for him. The nurse pulled the string out of the waist of the sweatpants and held them out for Mike. He walked back up the steps that led to the boy’s side of the unit and walked into the room that he was told was his.The room was filled with snores and Mike could see moonlight mixed with streetlights coming in through the window. Mike considered turning on the light but he decided to not disturb the sleeping boy.

Glancing at the figure sleeping in the bed closer to the window, Mike noticed that the boy seemed too big for the twin sized mattress. Curly hair was splayed across the pillow and Mike couldn’t help but laugh when he saw that the boy still had glasses resting on his nose. A white tank top twisted around pale skin and the white blanket that was provided by the hospital was tangled between long legs. Mike ducked into the attached bathroom and flipped on the light. The shower was a simple stall with a shower curtain attached to the ceiling. There was no rod for the curtain and the showerhead looked different than the one at home. The mirror seemed to be attached securely to the wall and Mike wondered if it was real glass when he changed into his sweatpants. Sleep came quicker than Mike thought it would. He thought the new environment would make it difficult but the whole day had been so exhausting that Mike fell asleep within moments of his head hitting the very flat pillow.

* * *

 

“It is seven thirty in the morning. The kitchen opens at seven thirty in the morning. Why is the kitchen still locked, Amanda?” A harsh voice pulled Mike out of his dreams. He looked over to see that the boy beside him was still asleep. The glasses seemed to have fallen onto the floor at some point during the night and with the sunlight creeping in, Mike could see a bruise forming on the boy’s cheek. He wondered how that got there. Stretching his arms over his head, Mike got out of the bed and poked his head out of his room to see a curly haired boy standing where the hallway split into four paths. A young looking woman with blonde hair stood in front of him with a tired look in her eyes and a clipboard in her hand.

“Stanley, I’ll open the kitchen when I finish room checks. We have this argument every morning.”

“We wouldn’t have this argument every morning if you guys knew how to follow a simple routine.” Stanley bit back. Mike studied the other boy for a moment and he found it out how the boy was dressed before most of the other patients were even awake. He was wearing a polo with some khaki pants. Mike noticed a cast on his foot and the other foot had a shoe missing it’s laces. It seemed to be such a strange contrast to how perfect everything else looked. Mike considered going out to talk to the boy but he remembered Ben’s advice about Bill and instead sat on the edge of his bed while he listened to the boy argue with the staff member. “Amanda, if you want to help me you’d follow the schedule.”

“Stanley you know that the whole point of you being here is to help you. I have to help everyone, though, and I’m not helping everyone if I’m ignoring room checks to monitor the kitchen so you can get your breakfast.”

“Why do you all think you have to monitor me in the kitchen? What do you think I’m going to kill myself with a banana?”

“Go to the nurse’s station and see if someone else can open the kitchen for you. I have to finish room checks.”

He could hear Stanley scoff and then he heard retreating footsteps. Mike assumed that Stanley had given in and gone to the nurse’s station. A few moments later there was a knock at his door before a friendly face poked in. “Room checks!” she chirped, smiling when she saw Mike sitting on his bed. “You can go sit in the dining area and wait for breakfast, honey. They take you all to school after breakfast.” Mike nodded and got up from his spot on the bed as the woman stepped into the room. “Richie! Rise and shine!” she said, picking the glasses up from the floor and holding them out to the sleeping boy.

“Amanda, I always tell you, there’s a much better way that you could wake me up.”

“Put your glasses on and go apologize to your roommate for your snoring.”

“I don’t have a roommate.”

“You got one last night.”

“Oh, shit! Well, I hope we can sure breakfast, m’love.”

Mike could hear Amanda laughing and then he felt an arm around his shoulders. He looked up to see the face of his roommate about even with his own. It was hard to tell if Richie was taller than him or if it was just his wild hair. “I’m Mike.” he said with a small smile as he walked in the direction of the dining hall. They didn’t get far before Stanley was walking down the opposite end of the hallway and he could hear him groan.

“Richie! We don’t all want to see your stained tank tops and dirty boxers! Go put some clothes on you walking garbage can.” The nurse seemed to consider intervening, but decided against it. Richie flipped Stanley off before Mike felt the arm leave his shoulders. Richie was mumbling under his breath before he shut the door to the shared room. Mike sat down at the picnic style table in the dining area and rested his elbows on the table.

“I wouldn’t put my elbows on that table if I were you. Richie spilled jelly on that table three days ago and I’m pretty sure it’s become a part of the table now.” Stanley said as he sat across from Mike. He pulled his elbows off the table and inspected the top of it. It was decorated with a variety of stains and there were some things carved into the top of it.

“Did we get another new kid overnight? I swear we’re going to run out of room in this fucking place. Can people stop trying to kill themselves?” a voice came from behind Mike. It was laced in sleep and a bit higher than Mike expected. He turned around to see a boy with messy hair and freckles across his nose. His hair was a chestnut brown and he was in red shorts with a rainbow along the side of it. He also had a sweater that seemed to practically hang off of him and socks pulled up to his mid-calf.

“If they catch you wearing Bill’s clothes again then they’ll kick you out and we’ll have room for another new kid, Eddie.”

“Shut the fuck up. I found this in the lost and found.”

“Yeah, sure.”

“Keep talking and I’ll code again and throw off the entire schedule.”

Stanley opened his mouth to say something else but decided against it. Mike simply watched with curiosity as the smaller boy sat beside him. He rubbed the sleep from his eyes while he tucked his legs beneath him and his shoulder bumped against Mike’s. “I’m Eddie. That’s Stanley. He’s training to be a staff member here so he can just be in the psych ward for the rest of his life while the rest of us are trying to get on with our lives.”

“I’ll tell them that I saw you kissing Bill yesterday, Eddie.”

“You’re an asshole.”

The banter had a friendly tone to it, so Mike wasn’t sure if they were being serious or not. Neither boy seemed to offended by what the other was saying and they seemed to have a playful undertone. “I’m Mike.” he said after a few moments, looking between the two boys.

“Well, why are you here, Mike?” Eddie asked, resting his chin in his hands.

“Eddie you can’t just ask people that. That’s insensitive.” Stanley interjected with what sounded like a kick under the table. This only resulted in Eddie laughing since his legs were folded underneath him on the bench.

“It’s fine, it’s fine. I–”

“Eds! Do you have any of your own clothes?” Richie’s voice came booming through the small dining area. He sat down beside Stan and Mike didn’t miss the way that Stan scooted away rom Richie a bit. Eddie made a face and tugged the sleeves of his sweater down over his hands. Richie began to tap out a rhythm on the table while he looked at the other’s seated at the table. “Where’s Big Bill and Haystack? Did they stay up all night again?”

“Probably. They’re going to hold us up, again.” Stanley muttered, brushing a loose curl away from his forehead.

“We left without them yesterday. We could probably do that again. It depends who is taking us.” Eddie explained, peering over his shoulder at the locked kitchen. “I’m starving. Did you ask them to open the kitchen, Stan?”

“Of course I asked them to open the kitchen. They told me to wait and that it wouldn’t be the end of the world if we were a couple minutes late. I already know it won’t be the end of the world because we’re a couple minutes late every day and somehow we still manage to sort of function.” Stanley explained.

Mike watched as Richie’s lower lip turned up before he pushed himself up from his seat next to Stan. “I’ll fix this.” he insisted with a smirk before his lanky limbs carried him out of the room. Eddie groaned and Stan rolled his eyes. Mike gave the other two a confused look, but he didn’t get a chance to hear an explanation before he heard Richie’s voice.

“We’re starving in there! Do you guys want us all to starve? Someone needs to open the kitchen before Eddie’s mom calls the news team on you guys for withholding food from her Eddie Bear!” Richie yelled.

“I’m going to fucking kill him.” Eddie mumbled, hiding his face in his hands. Ichie’s voice carried on throughout the unit until Mike heard footsteps coming towards them. He turned to see a man with short blond hair and some keys opening the kitchen door. The others got up and lined up outside the kitchen while the staff worker let them go in one at a time to get their breakfasts.

The staff member didn’t talk much and neither did the boys while they ate. Richie warned Mike about the food between mouthfuls of bland cornflakes mixed with honey while Eddie told him that he was disgusting. Stan had moved so he was diagonal from Richie and Eddie was across from him. This left the spot for Mike beside his roommate. He simply listened to Richie’s advice and ate his toast. His attention was brought back to the doorway when a tall, thin boy with auburn hair and dark circles under his eyes appeared. The boy sat beside Eddie and took a piece of toast off of the napkin beside Eddie’s bowl. The boy looked tired and his clothes seemed very worn. His hair almost reached his eyes and his knuckles were scarred. Mike opened his mouth to say something to the new boy, but he decided not to and instead took another bite of his toast.

“Boys! Line up! We’re leaving for school, if you aren’t lined up in the next thirty seconds then we’re leaving without you.”

“Oh, so now they want to follow a schedule.” Stanley mumbled as he took the last bite of his plain cheerios and threw away the bowl.


	2. the goal isn't to live forever

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> mike gets to learn the way things work at the hospital. it's his first full day and he has a few ideas of how things will happen, but nothing is actually what he thought it would be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so here’s the second chapter of my fic !! i worked on this for several hours and it’s uh longer than i planned but i already cut a bunch out in an attempt to make it shorter. let me know what you think bc i think my groupchat is tired of hearing me talk about it tbh anyways !! tw: suicidal thoughts, eating disorder mentions, violence

“Ow! You bitch!” 

 

Beverly stared smugly at the girl who was now nursing her bleeding hand. Some poorly dye strands of hair fell into her eyes and Beverly didn’t bother to brush them away from her face as a staff member moved to grab her by the wrist. “Touch me and you’re next.” she threatened, pointing the pencil in the staff member’s direction. Joe sighed and motioned for Beverly to stand up and point out to the hallway. She looked over her shoulder one last time at Natalie who was already explaining her side of what happened to Amanda. Beverly sat on the wooden bench and looked up at Joe while she waited for him to tell her what was going to happen. He went to open his mouth but was cut off by one of Richie’s shrill voices.

 

“Miss Marsh! Did they already kick you out before I even had the pleasure of seeing you? What in heavens did you do this time?” 

 

Richie went to go sit beside Beverly but Bethany had already grabbed his elbow and steered him into the class he was supposed to be in. Looking over his shoulder, he blew a kiss to Beverly before the door was shut behind him. Her gaze fell on the rest of the boys being ushered into their classrooms and Beverly felt her heart swell at the sight of her boys. Beverly waggled her fingers at them and only giggled when each of her boys gave her a different response.

 

“Beverly, you know you can’t stab your fellow patients.” Joe explained with a sigh. This wasn’t the first time he’s had to pull her aside for how she interacts.

 

“You know how I get when I get touched without consent! I’m like a wild animal, ask Pat! This is why we have that whole no touching rule. Tell her to keep her hands off me and maybe I won’t have to fashion a weapon out of a fucking golf pencil.” Joe simply watched as Beverly tried to defend her actions. He sighed softly and nodded, conceding.

 

“I’ll talk to her. You’re going to go back to class, though, and apologize.”

 

Beverly made a face, but she agreed. When she went back to the classroom she took a seat beside Richie and shot him a smirk. Richie opened his mouth to say something but the teacher interjected by handing them their work before he could make any comments. Richie groaned dramatically and started scribbling in answers before even reading the directions.

 

Next door was the math classroom and Stanley and Eddie sat side by side. They often competed to see who could not only finish first, but get the most right. Typically it was Stan because Eddie would cheat and get disqualified from their fictional competition. Mr. Shock often told the boys to not worry about it and that they were both smart. This only resulted in them scoffing and asking for more problems. In the Science room, Bill sat alone to do his work. He quietly answered the questions on his worksheets and then he pulled out his journal to write some more stories. The teachers would give him more work and encourage him to put away his journal, but Bill would keep it out while he worked. It was only ever closed when there was a risk of someone else looking in it.

 

“The first day in the history room, Mr. Barton will give you a blank map of the United States just to see how many states you can figure out. You won’t have to do a lot of work in either of your classes because your school probably hasn’t sent the work over yet. It’ll be a pretty easy day for you. We have history and English today. Tomorrow we’ll have science and math.” Ben explained as he reached for one of the textbooks on a shelf in the cluttered classroom. A small, old man was seated a table in the center of the room and the little hair he had was shooting in all directions. He had a friendly smile on his face and Mike thought that maybe he knew a lot about history. It looked like he experienced most of it.

 

The classes went by relatively quick, but Mike assumed that that was because they only had two hours of school compared to the usual eight that happened outside of the hospital. Mike did find it odd that Stan wasn’t barking orders at everyone to leave. He peered into the room where Stan scribbled away on a piece of paper only to be surprised when Richie’s hand fell on his shoulder. “School is the only thing that Stan allows to push us all off schedule. He missed a bunch of school when he was younger because he was sick so he got held back a year. Now that he’s here, he tries really fucking hard to stay on top of his work so that being sick doesn’t affect his schooling anymore than he already has.” Mike turned to face Richie and was met with a new face. It felt like all the faces he had seen in this experience were familiar, but Mike couldn’t quite place where he knew them from.

 

The girl with poorly dyed hair looked at Mike with some dazzling grey-green eyes. He could see bits of fiery red hair peeking in from where the black hairdye didn’t quite take. It was also sprouting out from the roots and a name came to mind before she even said anything. “Is your name Beverly?” Mike asked, studying the freckles dotting her face. Eyes widened in delight and Richie turned his head to look at the smaller girl that was practically leaning on him. 

 

“You’re so famous that even this kid knows you, Bev. Really, what were you getting up to before they sent you away with the rest of the misfits?” Richie teased, taking the hand that she had resting on his shoulder and intertwining their fingers. Beverly shot Richie a warm smile and Richie stared at her for a moment before a staff member walked by and he seemingly thought better of what was going through his head. A staff member walked by them and told the girls to line up and told the boys to wait in the hallway. He pointed to Beverly and Richie’s intertwined hands with a disapproving look before Beverly pulled away from Richie and went to line up. 

 

“What’s she like?” Mike asked as he sat down on the bench, leaving room for his roommate to sit beside him. Richie sat down and rested his hands on his knees while he stared into the math classroom at the studious Stanley finishing up his final assignment.

 

“Beverly is like that breath of air you take after standing under the showerhead for too long. Everything around you is coming down fast and you think you’re going to drown so you start to hold your breath. Then you take in this deep breath, though, and it’s okay. You didn’t die. That’s Beverly.” he explained, watching as her retreating figure went through the doors and they looked when they swung shut behind her. 

 

“What does that mean?”

 

“That she could drown you at any minute but she continues to let you breathe.”

 

Richie suddenly took off his glasses and breathed hot air onto the lenses as Stanley walked out of the small, cluttered math room. A voice called after him to inform him that he was missing a pencil. Mike watched as Stan rolled his eyes and took the full size pencil out of his pocket and returned it to the teacher. Richie eyed Stan suspiciously as he stood in the hallway with his bird book held tightly against his chest. Mike watched his roommate for a moment before turning to see the other kids come out of their respective classrooms. Eddie was waiting by the doorway of Bill’s classroom while he pretended to be interested in one kid share a story that Mike couldn’t hear. Al clapped his hands and pushed himself up from where he was sitting in the hallway. “C’mon, kiddos. It’s time for group.” 

 

With that they were all led back to the unit. On the walk back up, Mike studied the campus as they walked past it. The walk from their unit to the school building was about ten minutes. Everything surrounding them was very vibrant and alive. If it weren’t for the security locks on the doors leading outside and the doors to their rooms not having any locks, Mike would think this was all an extravagant sleepaway camp. Eddie was hanging out at the end of the line, chattering away to Bill. He watched as Bill stopped to pluck a flower from a bush that they passed and tuck it behind Eddie’s ear. Eddie’s face turned the same shade of pink as the flower and Mike watched ahead where Richie was talking animatedly to one of the staff members. Ben was walking quietly beside Stan while Stan had his arm looped through Ben’s to alleviate the limp that came with the cast on his foot.

Once they were all inside and Bethany counted them off, she had the kids split into a red group and a blue group. Mike looked around confused until Richie snatched the folder out of Mike’s hands and opened it. The label, as Richie explained, had the name of his doctor, his therapist, and which group he’d be in. He was in the red group which seemed to have Richie, Eddie, Ben, Stanley, and Bill in it. They were escorted to the girl’s side of the unit. A line of girls were being ushered into the boy’s common area as they passed. Once they were in the girl’s common room, Mike stood for a moment to watch everyone else take their seats.

 

There was a girl seated in one of the chairs with a girl on the floor between her legs. She seemed to be braiding the other girl’s hair, but stopped when a staff member reminded them that there was no personal contact. There was another girl laying on the center of the floor, doodling on the back of her notebook. The girl that Richie had been talking to at school was perched on the arm of the couch despite no one sitting on the actual couch. Richie sat beside her and she slid off the arm so she was tucked securely into Richie’s side. Bill moved to take one of the single chairs be the window. Eddie paused in the doorway before going to sit on the couch opposite Richie and Beverly. Ben took a seat beside Richie and Stan sat in the rolling chair by the door.

 

“Stanley, that chair is for the counselor.”

 

“I’ve been here long enough, I should be the counselor. I can run the group better than her.”

 

“If you don’t like the group, you don’t have to attend.”

 

“If I don’t attend then you guys are going to drop my level.”

 

“It’s up to you.”

 

Stan shot the staff member a look which was easily returned before he sat beside Eddie on the couch. Eddie leaned in to whisper something to Stan, but Mike couldn’t figure out what it was. He stood for another minute, unsure of where to sit before Richie’s voice broke through.

 

“Hey, hottie, come sit with the cool kids.”

 

“Cool kids? Yeah, right Rich.” Eddie snipped, glancing over at the boy. Richie simply stuck his tongue out at Eddie as Ben adjusted on the couch in an attempt to make more room for Mike.

 

“If you want to actually learn any coping skills come sit with us. Richie and Beverly will talk the entire time until they get kicked out.” Stan stated very plainly. Mike cracked a smile and moved to sit beside Eddie. He set his folder on the floor between his feet and crossed one leg over the other. The girls sitting in one corner went back to braiding hair while Bill pulled his journal out and began scribbling in it. Ben was fidgeting with his clothes and staring at his lap. Beverly and Richie were slowly inching closer, talking far too loud for how close they were to each other. Eddie and Stan were whispering to one another and every now and again he could hear Eddie’s wheezy laugh fill the air. It wasn’t long until the counselor, he assumed, came into the room and sat in the rolling chair. The door shut behind her and that seemed to make everyone sit up a bit straighter.

 

“Good morning! How are you guys?” her cheery voice carried through the room. The others didn’t answer and instead looked at their knees. Not wanting to be the odd one out, Mike picked at some dirt under his fingernails. “You guys are allowed to talk. Encouraged, even.”

 

“Well, I’m not doing to great, Theresa.” Richie finally said, sitting up a bit straighter. The counselor turned her head to look at him with a face of mild concern.

 

“Well why is that? Also, please get your hand off of Beverly. You know our rules about touching. Why are you two sitting together? It’s supposed to be boys on one side and girls on the other.”

 

“I fuckin’ crave phsyical intimacy and you all threaten to drop my level, which has never gone up from zero for more than a day, if I so much as look at someone else. It’s ridiculous and I think all of your rules are ridiculous.”

 

“Language, Richie.”

 

“Is that all you have to say? Nothing to address these garbage rules? If someone is okay with me touching them, I should be allowed to! I’m not even trying to fuck in here. I just want to hold hands with someone.”

 

“All of our rules have a reason. I’m sorry that you feel the way that you do, but if you work the program you can get better quickly and you’ll be back home. Once you’re home you can be as physically affectionate as you want. All of you can do what you missed when you go home as long as you work the system.” she answered, looking around the room at the quiet teens.

 

“What if we miss something that we can’t go back to?” Stan’s voice was quiet and it lacked the usual confidence that Mike heard when he argued with staff members. He was smoothing his hands over his khaki pants and Mike found himself watching Stan as his gaze stayed in his lap.

 

“The goal of this program is to make you not want to go back to harmful behaviors.” her voice was soft this time and Mike wondered what it was that Stan wanted to go back to.

 

Bill looked at the counselor and put away his journal. He cleared his throat and sat up a bit straighter in the chair. This seemed to get her attention and she leaned forward with her eyes focused on his clear blue ones. “Do you have something to add, Bill?” He simply shook his head and drummed his fingers on his thigh.

 

The group continued with Theresa discussing the importances of proper communication. The girls that were braiding hair, Mike learned, were named Lily and Miriam. Miriam was the one braiding Lily’s hair and they both had some nice insight on what the counselor was trying to teach them. It went well for the most part, Mike thought. Neither Richie or Beverly got kicked out but they got separated after being warned three times to stop touching each other. Once they were being escorted back to the boy’s side of the unit, Richie got in Bill’s face.

 

“How are we supposed to know how to help you if you don’t properly communicate it with us, Big Bill?” he asked, adjusting his glasses on his face as he walked backwards in front of Bill. Bill seemed to be trying to ignore Richie while his gaze was focused straight ahead.

 

“Rich, don’t be an ass. I wouldn’t put it past him to put another bruise on that face of yours.” Eddie warned. Ben cast a worried look over his shoulder, but Stanley seemed unphased by what was going on. He continued to talk to the staff member that was giving him one word answers.

 

“I’m just saying! He’s going to be here longer than Stan if he never says anything. They’ll diagnose him with a million things he doesn’t have and put him on every medication out there. What? Do you want to become a drug-induced zombie?” Bill’s eyes flicked over to Richie for a moment, but he still said nothing. “Look! I get it! You feel like shit because you couldn’t save him. We all have something we feel like shit for, that’s why we’re all here. If you keep focusing on that then you’ll be here forever, though.” Richie went on before shrugging and turning around to walk forward. Luckily he turned around just in time to miss the pole that was in his path.

 

They were seated back in the common area and Stanley was sitting on the floor with his legs crossed while he counted the tally marks on the back of his folder. Ben, Eddie, and Richie were seated in a circle around a game of cards. They had invited Mike to join, but he said he’d much rather watch so he could learn how it worked. It was called something along the lines of Egyptian Rat Screw and it involved a lot of slapping. Eddie had the most cards and it looked like Ben was going to run out any second. Richie’s hand always came down on top of Eddie’s, hard, whenever Eddie slapped the pile in the center and both the boys cursed. 

 

Bill was seated in the corner, by the window. His knees were up in the chair and he was almost curled into a fetal position while he wrote in his journal. A counselor came in and called his name. Bill didn’t look up and she stood in the doorway with an expectant look on her face. She called his name once more and Bill simply shook his head. “Come on. We have a family session, Bill.”

 

“N-no.”

 

“You have to attend your family session.”

 

“N-no.”

 

Eddie was no longer paying attention to the game and Richie successfully got some cards into his hand as he slapped the pile in the center. He opened his mouth to gloat, but bit his lip when he followed Eddie’s gaze to Bill over his shoulder. Ben nudged Richie in an attempt to get him to stop staring, but it didn’t work.

 

“If you don’t go to your family session, I’m going to drop your level.”

 

“F-fine. Drop it.”

 

“Bill, just go. If you don’t go they’ll keep you here forever and if you get your level dropped they’re going to make you spend time with Richie.” Stan said, not glancing up from the marks on the back of his folder.

 

“Hey! I’m not that bad.” Richie pouted, leaning back on his hands.

 

“You’re insufferable.” Stan deadpanned.

 

“It d-doesn’t matter. I’m not g-going.” Bill said, never breaking eye contact with the counselor. She gave him a look before looking at the other boys in the room. There was something in her eyes that Mike couldn’t quite read, but Eddie started to pack up the card game and Stanley was quick to get up and leave the room. 

 

“I’ll bring them here, then.” she finally said and Mike got the hint, following the other boys out of the room. Eddie lingered in the doorway, but Stanley grabbed his wrist with thin fingers and dragged him to the dining area.

 

“I w-will code!” He heard Bill yell from the other room. The counselor had shut the door, though, so everything else was muffled behind the door. Mike cast a concerned glance to the other boys, but Stan was already seated on the windowsill while he looked over some papers in his folder. The others were setting their card game up once more.

 

“What is going on?”

 

“Big Bill hates his family sessions. The last one went exceptionally bad so this is his way of protesting. It’s kind of pointless to protest unless you know the system, though, and Bill’s always got his nose stuffed into his stories so he doesn’t know how to play it.” Richie explained, shuffling the cards. “Since they don’t want him here for too long, Tam is trying to get the family session to happen in there instead.”

 

“Tam thinks she can just talk you better. That isn’t how any of this works and she’s genuinely the least qualified person to be in charge of my mental health.” Stanley explained, closing his folder and setting it on the windowsill beside him.

 

“It isn’t like Bill is better equipped to be handling his mental health.” Ben chimed in, voice soft as he took the cards from Richie and dealt them out for a new game. He dealt Mike in without asking and silently offered to deal Stan in. Stan sat beside Richie, their thighs brushing, and Ben dealt a hand for him as well. They played go fish until someone was calling them for lunch so they boys, except for Stan, laid their cards on the table. Stan scoffed and cleaned them up before tucking them away in the back pocket of Ben’s jeans as they went to the hallway to line up. Amanda called off their names and checked them off before she lead them to the dining hall.

 

The food was good, Richie tried to advise Mike what was good and what wasn’t. Eddie quickly interrupted and explained that if it wasn’t loaded in sugar then Richie didn’t consider it good. Mike, while he appreciated the help, explained that he was vegan and that he probably couldn’t have most of the food that was provided. Stan explained that when he spoke to the nutritionist, he could say that he had dietary preferences. They were apparently pretty good with accomodations. 

 

After lunch there was a thing called ‘quiet fifteen’. Richie explained that fifteen minutes after lunch and fifteen minutes after dinner they were all supposed to go to their rooms so they could decompress. They didn’t have to be quiet, but they couldn’t talk to anyone other than their roommate. Ben went off to sit at the nurse’s station and Mike shot Richie a confused look as they went to their room. 

 

“Ben has to be supervised after meals. They’re scared that he’s going to puke up everything he ate if they don’t.” Richie said as he laid back on his bed and let his feet rest on the floor. Mike sat down and leaned back against the wall, watching Richie.

 

“He doesn’t look like he has an eating disorder.”

 

“You don’t look like you belong here.”

 

“Point taken.”

 

“What are you here for?”

 

“I work on a farm and sometimes when I’m doing my chores I’ll talk to the animals. It isn’t that I think they’ll answer me or anything. It’s just… comforting. Anyway, my mom overheard me talking to the sheep about how sometimes I wish it was me behind the bullet rather than them. I said some other things, but my mom got worried that I was going to go and off myself so she talked to my dad and they agreed to try and take me here.”

 

Richie was quiet for a few moments, staring at the ceiling as he took in Mike’s words. “Your folks sound like they really care. Do you really wish you were dead?”

 

“I don’t know.. Sometimes, yeah. It’s kind of complicated.”

 

“I get it, man.”

 

“Do you want to be dead?”

 

“In a way, yeah. I’m not specifically here for that, but I guess it all links back to that some way or another.”

 

“What are you here for?”

 

“Being too--” Richie was cut off by a shout from down the hall.

 

“I don’t w-want to fucking t-talk about it!” the voice carried through the hallway. Mike stared at the door for a moment and Richie got up and poked his head out.

 

“Hey! It’s quiet fifteen, be quiet!” he called down the hallway. 

 

“That’s f-fucking rich comeing f-from you.” the voice shouted back, followed by footsteps. The staff member doing checks reminded Bill that he had to be in his room, but the footsteps continued. Richie took a few steps back from the door and then the door swung open, hitting the opposite wall hard.

 

“You’re gonna lose your level, Billiam.”

 

“Shut the f-fuck up.”

 

The two boys stared at each other for a moment before Richie cracked a smile. Bill had a serious look in his eyes, but Richie started cackling. Mike watched on nervously as Richie put his hands over his belly. “I’m not scared of you, Big Bill. What are you gonna do? Hit me? I’m begging you to hit me.”

 

Bill took his lower lip in between his teeth before pushing Richie back against the wall. “I’m t-telling you to learn w-when to shut the f-fuck up.”

 

“Hit me, Bill.”

 

“Do you r-really think you know how t-this all w-works?”

 

“Please hit me.”

 

“You d-don’t know anything!”

 

“I know more than you.”

 

“Y-you’re in here j-just like the rest of u-us.”

 

“I’m not responsible for anyone’s death.”

 

“T-take it back.”

 

“Fucking hit me.”

 

The two boys stared at each other for a moment and Richie had this wild desperation in his eyes while Bill had something that Mike couldn’t read. Mike was compelled to get up and separate the boys, but before he could move Bill was swinging. There weren’t words and Richie didn’t fight back as his head was thrown back into the wall. It lasted a total of ten seconds before a staff members was there. She was shouting ‘code orange’ into the talkie before grabbing Bill’s wrists. She looked too small to hold him back, but she managed to drag him out of the room. Richie’s back slid down the wall and one hand reached out to grab his glasses from where they were laying by his feet.

 

“You hit like a fucking girl.” he said, shooting Bill a look before smearing blood across his upper lip with the heel of his hand. Bill tried to lunge at Richie once again but a man was now grabbing Bill’s arms and escorting him down the hallway. Once Bill was out of sight, Richie turned to look at Mike and he shot him a smile that looked almost sadistic with the blood in his mouth. “He’s going to the quiet room. It’s literally a padded room that they lock you in after they give you some sedatives.” he explained before getting up.

 

“Why did you do that?” Mike asked, staring at Richie from where he stood in the center of the room.

 

“We’re all here for different reasons, Mikey.”

 

With that Richie walked out of the room. Mike waited a few moments before he went into the common room where Stanley and Eddie were sitting side by side. Eddie was nervously babbling while Stanley folded a piece of paper in his lap. Upon entering, Eddie looked up at Mike. “What the fuck did Richie say to Bill?”

 

“He told him to hit him.”

 

“What else?”

 

“Something about him not being responsible for someone’s death?”

 

“Fuck.”

Mike shot a confused look around the room, but some of the other boys slowly started coming in and Eddie busied himself by talking to one of the younger boys. Mike shot Stan a look, but Stan didn’t catch it as he got up and started talking to the staff member doing room checks. After about ten or fifteen minutes of everyone chatting, a staff member came in with a bag full of snacks and an armful of papers. The papers were passed out with golf pencils and the staff member explained that once all three papers were completed, they could get afternoon snack. Mike looked over the papers and recognized most of the terms from the group led by the therapist today.

 

Stanley was the first one finished and he took his cupcake before exiting the room. The others started to finish about five minutes after that with Eddie being the last one to finish. Once everyone had their snacks, the staff member asked the group if they’d rather go outside to have free time or stay inside. Majority one and they were all escorted to the courtyard. There was a basketball court, a gazebo, and some picnic tables. The girls were already outside and Mike saw that Beverly was sitting with a few other girls next to a radio while some other girls sat in the grass. Eddie went to sit in the gazebo and Stan stifled a laugh before going to sit by Beverly. Ben sat by the girls painting nails and let them start painting his nails while Mike went to go sit by Stan and Beverly.

 

Beverly and Stanley were talking while Beverly chewed on some gum. Mike wondered for a moment where she got gum, but he didn’t ask. Instead he studied the area and watched what everyone else was doing. Eddie appeared to be anxiously watching the door while a girl sat by his feet and talked to him. She was resting her head on his knee, but Eddie didn’t even look at her. After a few moments, Mike turned to look at the door as well and he watched as Richie walked out with his face mostly cleaned up. There was a bruise forming under his eye and his glasses were taped, but he looked better. Eddie shot Richie a glare before turning his attention to the girl nearby and Richie shrugged before sitting by Ben. He held his hand out so a girl could start painting his nails as well. Everything seemed peaceful and Mike started to wonder how things could go from simple to chaotic and then back so easily.

 

The rest of the day went by peacefully. Mike spoke to both his doctor and his therapist and they both seemed nice. They both seemed to genuinely want to help Mike and he was glad to see that so many people cared about him getting better. There was another group and then they went to dinner. Bill came back before dinner and he looked a lot calmer. Eddie held his hand when the staff members weren’t looking and Bill inched closer and closer to Eddie. They both seemed to avoid Richie, but he either didn’t notice or didn’t care. He was talking about some movie he saw before he got admitted and trying to convince Logan to let them watch it as their evening activity. After dinner, they had quiet fifteen then visiting.

 

Eddie had a visitor so he wasn’t with everyone else. Ben had a visitor as well, but he seemed far more excited than Eddie did. Richie, Bill, and Stanley sat in the common area with the other boys while the visits happened. Stanley and Richie were playing cards with Ben’s deck of cards and Bill was writing in his journal. Mike sat on the couch, talking to one of the other kids. As visiting hours came to a close, Stan seemed to get ansty but no one commented on it. Richie just focused on the game and kept trying to bring his attention back to it.

 

“They come at seven thirty every day. Everyday, Richie.”

 

“Since when have things always gone perfectly to schedule?” That was apparently the wrong thing to say.

 

“I always have things go perfectly to schedule. I’m not some troll like you that just waits for things to go my way.”

 

“You showered at quarter to twelve this morning instead of quarter after.”

 

“That’s because Eddie, for whatever reason, decided that he needed to shower first.”

 

“I’m just saying.”

 

“And so am I! They just messed up my entire night. For what? They’re out and able to do whatever they want whenever they want and I’m stuck in here watching the same three movies over and over again.”

 

“It’s going to be okay, Stan.”

 

“No, it isn’t.”

 

“Things go off schedule all the time and you survive it.”

 

“Hardly.”

 

“You’re still here. That’s surviving.”

 

“Yes, but I’m here.”

 

“Let’s deal another hand.”

 

Mike watched as Stan and Richie played another round. Richie’s hand would occasionally rest on Stan’s knee when his breathing sped up, but they didn’t say anything else about the matter. As their game came to a close, Ian came into the room with a binder. He called that it was time for evening wrap up and the rest of the boys filed into the room. It was explained to Mike that they’d say whether or not they met their goal for the day, a goal set in the morning group, they’d rate their day, and they’d rate how they were feeling on a scale of one to five for anger, anxiety, and sadness. Mike nodded and he was up first. He hadn’t set a goal that morning, but everything else was fine. He had all zeroes for anger, anxiety, and sadness and his day went fine. Everyone else went and everyone else seemed to be doing alright except for Stanley. Stanley’s numbers were all at five and when asked what he could do to bring that down, Stanley got oddly quiet. The group came to an end and they were told that their evening activity was going to be in the gym which Mike found out had a game room attached. 

 

Mike stayed in the gym and he played volleyball with Eddie, Bill, Beverly and some other kids. Richie dragged Stanley into the game room while Ben followed with a content smile. Stan opened his mouth to protest, but Richie placed a sloppy kiss on his forehead and told him to hush. Mike wasn’t sure what happened in the game room, but he had fun playing volleyball at one end of the gym. At the other end there were some kids playing basketball. About halfway through, Ben came out and started to play basketball with the other kids. Mike offered him a friendly smile which resulted in him missing the ball and Eddie complaining about how he had let Beverly get another point.

 

The staff that was down there warned the boys that they had five minutes left before they had to go back to the unit so the boys all went to get water from the hallway. As they walked back up, Ben and Mike were breathless and laughing with each other. Eddie was a bit red in the face and Bill had his arm around Eddie’s shoulders. Stanley and Richie were closer to the back, but Mike could have sworn that he caught sight of them holding hands. Once they were back on the unit, Ian told them that they could all go to the common area and wait for their snack or they could go to bed. They had lights off in about an hour and a half. He also said that if anyone had meds to take, they could go do that now. 

 

Richie and Eddie started towards the med counter while Bill went to the commons with Stanley. Ben offered a smile to Mike before retreating to his room and Mike followed Bill and Stanley. Neither of the boys spoke so Mike didn’t speak either. Instead, he sat in one of the chairs and studied the rather plain room. There was one poster about ‘DBT Skills’, but the rest was undecorated. It all seemed rather bland, but Mike assumed that psych wards didn’t put a whole lot of thought into how they decorated. It mostly mattered if it was safe or not. Richie and Eddie came in a few minutes later and Richie pulled out a deck of cards. The other boys sat around him and they started the largest game of bullshit that Mike had ever seen. After they got their snacks, Stan slipped away. Mike hadn’t caught where he was going, but he figured he was going off to bed.

 

“Code blue! Code blue! Northgate code blue in the boy’s wing!” came an urgent voice through the talkie. Although, Mike wasn’t sure if he was hearing it through Ian’s talkie or if it was just Amanda’s frantic voice carrying through the hallway. Ian jumped up and shut the door at the same time that Richie sprung to his feet. 

 

“Who is here?” he demanded, counting off the boys sitting in a circle. There were eight of them in a circle with three other boys sitting around the room. Richie seemed to be mentally checking them off in his head before he walked to the door that Ian was blocking. “Who is the code for, Ian?”

Ian frowned and shook his head. “You know I can’t tell you, Richie. Even if I did know, I wouldn’t be able to tell you.”

 

“Well, who went to bed?”

 

“Richie, please sit down.”

 

“What the fuck did he do! You guys already took his shoelaces. What could he have gotten a hold of?”

 

“Richie…”

 

“Don’t even fucking start with me! What are you going to do? Fucking code me? I fucking dare you!”

 

“Please sit down, Richie.”

 

“If anything happened to him, I hope you guys are prepared. Because I’ll fucking riot if you guys failed him again.”

 

“Code blue! We need a medic! Code blue! Northgate boy’s wing!” came the voice through the talkie.


	3. drowning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the aftermath of stan's attempt. mike is still trying to figure everything out. richie just wants to help.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter isn't v good but i needed to get it out and i needed certain scenes to happen but they just uh weren't coming but i needed to write it sooner than later. anyway, i am open to requests/recs for how yall want it to go

“I want to go to my room.”

“They’re cleaning it up, Eddie.”

“Well, I don’t want to be in the common area any longer. I’m going to go to the med counter.”

“You can’t leave this room.”

“Watch me.”

With that, Eddie got up and he darted to the door before the staff member could get a grip on him. Rather than chasing the smaller boy down the hall, Ian stood in the doorway to ensure that he went straight to the med counter rather than attempting to go down the hall to his room. Mike assumed that he had made it there when Ian shut the door and sat back down in the rolling chair in the center of the room.

“I want to go to my room.” Richie said after a moment. His glasses were sitting on his knee and his eyes were still a little red. His voice was uncharacteristically soft and everyone was suddenly looking at him. Richie had tried to fight his way out of the room while shouting for Stanley. It resulted in someone calling a code. People came rushing in and Richie was grabbed in a firm grip while someone else shoved a needle into his thigh. Mike turned away and after the chaos died down, Eddie explained that it was a sedative.

“If you want to go to your room, I can radio a staff member to come escort you. You can’t go alone.” Ian said, frowning as he looked at Richie. Richie’s eyes were half-open and there was a thin blanket draped over his shoulders.  Richie’s eyes met Ian’s and he was still for a moment before shaking his head.

“I don’t want one of the staff members to take me. Can Mikey take me?” he slurred, leaning to the left until he had his head resting on Mike’s knees. Some of the other kids had retired to bed after the chaos died down. Ben had been the first to go to his room, his face pale from everything that happened. Adam had followed with his folder tucked under his arm and his eyes cast downward. Bill was already in his room when it all happened. Lucas and Alex had quietly slipped out without saying goodnight to anyone. Chris had helped Eddie clean up the card game that the boys left behind before he went off to bed with a tight lipped smile. Eddie had left to go get meds and presumably went to his room. It was just Richie and Mike now.

“What if I radio Amanda to take Mike and you follow?” Ian offered, resting his chin in his hands. Richie had his eyes closed and Mike looked at him for a moment before resting a cautious hand on Richie’s bruising cheek.

“I like Amanda. She’s cute.” he slurred, turning his head into Mike’s touch. Mike was nervous that they’d get in trouble for touching, but Ian seemed to be pretending that he didn’t notice. Ian nodded and pulled the walkie off of his belt loop and called for Amanda to come escort Richie out. Within a few moments she was opening the door with a sad smile. “Amanda, you’re so pretty.” Richie drawled, turning to look at Amanda. She laughed softly before moving to grab his hand and help him up.

“Richie, you know our rule about touching. Why are you trying to encourage Mike to break the rules before he even knows them?” she teased as Richie got to shaky feet. He was roughly a head taller than Amanda, but she seemed to have no trouble helping him support himself. Mike grabbed Richie’s glasses from the ground and he followed behind Amanda as they walked to the room that him and Richie shared. Amanda led Richie to his bed and she helped him get into it. She tucked him in and Mike rested his glasses on the shelf in the room. “He’s probably going to fall asleep, Mike. If you’re worried about him please come get a staff member. This is hard for him.”

Mike nodded and went over to his bed. Amanda stopped in the doorway and looked at both the boys with a small smile. “Get better. Don’t turn this place into a home. You want to focus on getting better and getting out. I know you want to make friends and fit in, but too many people find homes here. You have to prepare for the world outside of here.” she said before leaving the room and cracking the door. Light from the hallway shone through the crack while the moonlight flirted with the streetlamps through the window.

“Mikey?”

“What’s up, Rich?”

“I’m coming in.”

Footsteps shuffled across the wood floor and then Mike felt a weight on top of him. There was giggling in his ear and soft hair brushed his cheek. Richie was half on Mike and half on the bed while Mike laid on his back. “We’re gonna get in trouble, Rich.”

“Shh. I’ll move before they do the roommates.”

“Are you going to be okay?” Mike’s tone turned serious as he placed one hand on Richie’s bony back.

“While you’re in here you can only go so low. Rock bottom isn’t dangerous here.”

“It seems like it can be.”

“Stan is… different. He can pull the worst things out of any situation.”

“How long have you known him?”

“Since I was four.”

“Has he always…?”

“Had issues? I guess, in a way. I never saw it as anything wrong with him. We’ve both always been different. It’s what brought us together.”

“How close are you?”

“Not as close as I think and closer than he thinks.”

“Hey, Rich?”

“Yeah?”

“Why are you here?”

“I should get to bed. We’re going to get in trouble.” he mumbled, pressing a wet kiss to Mike’s cheek before pushing himself back up onto unsteady feet. Richie stumbled back to his own bed before flopping down on it. Mike rolled onto his side and watched Richie for a few moments before sleep started to take him away. His last thought before he gave in to his dreams was him wondering how long the others had been here.

* * *

There was no knocking on his door to wake him up this time. It took Mike a few moments before he realized that it was Saturday so they probably didn’t have school today. Mike rubbed his eyes and looked around the room before he realized that Richie wasn’t in bed. There were two wet towels thrown on the floor and Richie’s unfolded clothes were falling off of the shelf by his bed. Mike turned to see his own clothes messily folded on the shelf by his own bed. Getting up, Mike grabbed towels and toiletries from the shelf as well as a new change of clothes before going into the attached bathroom.

* * *

“Stan what the fuck did you do?”

“I wanted it to stop.”

Richie sighed and rested his head against the doorframe. Stan was seated on his bed and beside Richie there was a staff member sitting in a rolling chair. After what Stan pulled the night before, he had to have a one to one. The staff member gave Richie a warning look for his language and he sighed. “Let them teach you how to make it stop.”

“This is my seventh time here, Richie.”

“Try harder.”

“I’m trying as hard as I can.” There was a desperation in Stan’s voice as Richie’s eyes fell on his hands. He could feel tears welling up and the last thing he wanted was for Stan to see him cry.

“I want to help you.”

“What if there is no help for me?”

“Don’t say that. I won’t give up on you so you can’t give up on yourself.”

“Richie…” Stan started, glancing over at him. The staff member frowned and put a hand on Richie’s shoulder.

“I think group is starting soon, kid. You don’t want to miss it.” Richie nodded and pushed himself up from the floor. He wiped at his eyes underneath his glasses before turning around and heading to the common area. Richie came in and sat in one of the chairs just as Mike was coming into the room. The two shared a smile, but Mike sat with Ben and got dealt into a game of cards.

It didn’t take long before one of the nurses was walking into the room and calling for a group. Slowly the other patients came into the room and found their seats. Stan was the last one to come in. He was wearing sweatpants that seemed a bit too big for him and he was wearing a sweatshirt with sleeves that hung past his hands. There was a bruise forming around his neck and everything about him seemed withdrawn. He didn’t look at anyone as he sat on the couch beside Ben. His one to one came in behind him, pulling the rolling chair in so he could sit beside Stan. Mike glanced from Stan to the nurse who was trying to get everyone’s attention.

“I know that you all know about what happened last night. You may not know the details, but you don’t need to. The details are none of your concern. What is important as how you all deal with this moving forward. We don’t want this to set any of you back in your treatment.” the nurse explained, studying the faces of all the boys in the room. “We have extra staff on today in an attempt to make people available for you. If you need anything or if you’re worried about another patient please let us know.”

There were questions and most of them went unanswered to protect Stan’s privacy. Once the nurse restated that he wanted everyone to be safe, the group was over. The boys lingered in the room, mostly staring at Stan, until Stan whispered something to his one to one. They both got up and left the room. Richie got up as if he was going to follow them, but Bill reached back and put a hand on Richie’s knee.The two boys shared a look  before Bill shook his head and returned to passing notes with Eddie.

“Do Richie and Stan have a history?” Mike asked Ben before laying down a card for war.

“They knew each other before they got admitted.”

“Were they friends?”

“According to Stan.”

“What does that mean?”

“Stan says they were friends. Richie says they were more.”

“Who do you believe?”

“I try not to get involved.”

“I guess I should follow your lead.”

About an hour passed before Bethany gathered them for outside time. Everyone lined up to go out except for Stanley. Ben said it was something about being on building restriction for his own safety. Once they were outside, Richie beelined for Beverly. She was sitting in the gazebo with her head tilted back towards the sun. She was wearing a light sundress and Mike noticed some hair under her arms and on her legs. She didn’t seem to care much, though, so Mike ignored it.

“Bev, darling, I’m having a crisis.” Richie whined as he sat beside Beverly and tilted his head back like hers.

“You know I’m not licensed to fix your problems, right?”

“Well, my therapist isn’t in on Saturdays.”

“What’s your crisis?”

“Well you heard the code last night?”

“Was it him?”

Richie was silent and that seemed to be enough of an answer for Beverly. She didn’t say anything else, but did reach to link her hand with Richie’s. Mike bit his lower lip before looking around. His eyes fell on Eddie and Bill sitting at a table. Deciding to go sit by them, Mike went over and sat opposite Bill.

“You’re roommates with Stan, right, Ed?”

“I was.”

“What happened?”

“When you get a one to one they put you in a single room.”

“Why?”

“It’s safer or something. I don’t know.” Eddie had his chin resting in one hand while the other was laying flat on the table. Bill’s fingers were barely brushing Eddie’s while he sketched. To most people the touch wouldn’t seem like much, but Mike guessed that it was something special for the two boys.

“Do you know why he did it?”

“I don’t know why any of us do it.”

“Did you?”

“I had a headache.”

“They’ll n-never let you o-out if you s-stick to that s-story, Eds.” Bill mumbled, not looking up from his sketch.

Mike frowned and turned around to watch the kids playing basketball on the court. He scanned the area and he wondered how things could go from so chaotic last night to so peaceful tonight. After a moment, Mike’s eyes fell on Ben who was awkwardly sitting beside Beverly and Richie. Mike attempted to wave Ben over as he joined a game of basketball.

* * *

They day felt like a blur. Eddie felt like he was floating through time. The situation with Stan last night was scary and Stan was taken out of his room so abruptly. Eddie was still processing it and he felt mostly useless. Staff members kept trying to check up on him, but he would either give one word answers or ask for a dose of his anxiety medication. When he wasn’t at the med counter, Eddie could be found right next to Bill. Bill was typically distracted, but he still let Eddie stay close by. The smallest touches were enough for Eddie to begin to ground himself.

“Bill?”

“Hm?”

“I’m scared.”

Bill set his pencil down and gave Eddie a questioning look.

“What if when I get home nothing changes?”

Bill stayed silent and leaned back against the couch.

“I don’t think my mother has it in her to change. I’m scared that I’m going to go back to the same life that lead me here. I don’t want to end up like Stan. I want to get better.”

“You h-have to be ready.”

“What does that even mean?” Bill shrugged and returned to his sketch. Eddie scooted closer to Bill and rest his chin on his shoulder so he could watch as he doodled.

* * *

“Stan?”

“Yeah?”

Mike sat down beside Stan in the dining area. He was sitting in the windowsill while his one to one was seated at the table. “Why did you do what you did last night?”

“Have you ever felt like you’re the only one struggling while everyone else is moving forward? Have you ever felt like you’re drowning while everyone else is treading water? Have you ever felt like you’re suffocating even though everyone else is breathing fine?”

“I don’t know.”

“I was tired of trying to pretend that I was doing just as well as everyone else.”

“You scared Richie.”

“I didn’t– It’s complicated.”

“Do you want to talk?”

“No. That’s all we do here. Sometimes the silence is nice.”

Mike nodded and he leaned back against the window. He didn’t want to make Stan uncomfortable, but he wanted to stay and give him some company. It had to get lonely to have a staff member be the only person keeping you company. After a little while, Stan cleared his throat. “You don’t belong here. I mean– That sounds mean. You just… you want to get better. You seem like you care about your life. This place will ruin that. It’ll ruin you.”

“What do I do then?”

“Get out. Get out and find a therapist. Get some good meds and stay with therapy. Get rid of the bad things and focus on the good. I think you have the best chance out of any of us to get better.”

“I think we all have a chance to get better.”

“Not all of us.”


	4. temporary lovers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> bill feels guilty and eddie comforts him. bill says more than he should

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this took way too long and it’s shorter than i’d like. this chapter fleshes out bill and eddie’s relationship a bit. the next couple of chapters are going to focus more on the dynamics between the characters rather than progressing the story. let me know what you think !!

Stan had been on building restriction fort three days and he had a one to one for a week and a half. He eventually convinced them that he could be safe on his own and, as much as Richie disagreed, they let Stan go without a one to one. Richie wanted to argue with it, but he seemed to think better of it and keep his complaining between him and Mike after lights out. The more Mike listened, the more he wanted to understand the relationship between Stan and Richie. However, whenever he thought about probing, he remembered hearing Ben’s voice. Ben told him that he prefers to mind his own business and every time Mike remembered that, he realized that if Richie wanted to share more than he would.

 

Last night Richie had fallen asleep in Mike’s bed. Mike didn’t have the heart to kick him out, but about ten minutes later a staff member came through for a roomcheck. She stayed in the doorway for a minute and watched the boys before she walked in the rest of the way. Mike shut his eyes and pretended to sleep while she gently shook Richie awake. Her voice was soft as she guided Richie back to his bed and Richie was compliant, voice still laced with sleep. Richie collapsed back on his bed and Mike didn’t move until Amanda left the room. She had gently reminded Richie of the rules before she tucked his blanket around him and left. Mike rolled over on his side and watched Richie as he drifted off to sleep.

 

When Mike woke up, he was surprised to see that Richie’s bed was empty. It was rare that Richie was awake before Mike. Changing into a clean pair of clothes, he shuffled out of the room. Mike was rubbing his eyes as he checked to see if the kitchen was open. When he found out that it wasn’t, he poked his head into the dining room. Bill was laying back on the loveseat that was beside the picnic tables. Richie was standing by the bench, staring at the television with a Wii remote in his hand. Stan was sitting on the bench and watching boredly with a remote in his own hand. It took Mike a moment before he noticed Eddie was sitting on the couch with Bill’s head in his lap.

 

Mike came in and sat on the table, near Stan. He watched the game for a moment while he stole glances at Eddie and Bill. Bill had his eyes closed while Eddie hummed and ran his fingers through his hair. Eddie was watching Bill’s face with such admiration, Mike wondered if he even realized that the others were in the room. Mike turned his attention back to the game on the television just in time to see Richie hit a home run. 

 

“You fucking suck at this, Stanley.”

 

Stanley hardly looked over at Richie. Instead he glanced at Mike and offered the remote to him. “I don’t want to play with this fucking idiot. This game is stupid and I don’t see how it’s supposed to make me feel better. I don’t know why they have this video game in here instead of putting in another group.”

 

“Stanley step off your soapbox and give the remote to Mike since you’re such a sore loser.”

 

“Fuck you, Tozier.”

 

Richie rolled his eyes and the remote was thrust into Mike’s hands. Mike watched as Stan got up and walked out of the room. His fingers brushed Richie’s wrist on the way out which was seemingly enough to get Richie’s attention. He was looking over his shoulder and he missed the pitch that Mike threw in the game. Richie turned his attention back just in time to watch his character get a strike. A frown settled on Richie’s lips before he leaned in to press a wet kiss to Mike’s cheek.

 

“I’ve got to go track down my man. He’s such a drama queen.” Richie winked before he darted out of the room.

 

Mike glanced at the television before he decided to power off the game. He looked over at Eddie and Bill before he set the remote on the table. “Hey, guys, Bethany is coming around for roomchecks.” he warned, softly as he walked out of the room.

 

Eddie sighed and tapped his fingers against Bill’s cheek before he leaned down to press a kiss to Bill’s forehead. “Bill? You gotta sit up.” he mumbled and Bill sighed before pushing himself up. Bill leaned back against the couch so that him and Eddie were no longer touching. He tilted his head back against the window behind him and let his eyes fall shut once again. “Why are you so tired, Bill?”

 

“I don’t s-sleep.”

 

“Tell them. They can give you a sleep aid.”

 

“I have a s-sleep aid. I keep it in my ch-cheek.”

 

“What do you do with it after?”

 

“Usually S-stan wants it.”

 

“Are you fucking kidding me?”

 

“W-what?”

 

“What do you mean what?”

 

“He didn’t do t-that.”

 

“He got coded two fucking weeks ago.”

 

“That isn’t my f-fault.”

 

“Bill! You shouldn’t be giving him your medication!”

 

“I don’t w-want it.”

 

“Tell them! Don’t just give it away! What if you’re responsible for someone’s death?”

 

Bill fell silent, but he shot a glare in Eddie’s direction. The hard glare was easily seen through, though. Bill’s lower lip trembled and Eddie could see his watery eyes. Almost instinctively Eddie reached out for Bill. He paused when he heard Bethany’s voice chirp from the doorway. “Roomchecks! What are you two doing in here?”

 

“Just talking. When is the next group?”

 

“Well, Pat had to leave early today. There isn’t a group until after lunch.”

 

“Does everyone know that?”

 

“We’re letting people know as they ask.”

 

“Good luck.”

 

Bethany shot the boys a smile before she nodded and ducked out of the room. Eddie could hear her knocking on doors and announcing that she was entering as she went down the hallways. Eddie turned his attention back to Bill and rested a hand on the boy’s knee. “What happened with Georgie wasn’t your fault. I know you think it was but it wasn’t. Even if it were, there’s nothing that can change it now. Help other people now. You can save other people. You can help by not giving Stan your meds.”

 

“I hate s-sleeping, Eds.”

 

“Tell the doctor.”

 

“They’ll keep me hear l-longer.”

 

“Is that so bad?”

 

Bill let his gaze fall to their linked hands and didn’t say anything. Eddie knew that he was starting to get upset and that it was only harder for him to speak when his emotions got stronger. “I’ll be here, Bill. I’m not going anywhere.”

 

“Why?”

 

“I still cry when someone sneezes on me.”

 

“That’s who you a-are, though! Why do they have to ch-change who you are?”

 

“Because it makes it hard for me to function, Bill. Same reason they’re working with you. We all love how protective you are, but you have no impulse control and you talk with your fists.”

 

“There’s nothing w-wrong with me.”

 

“I didn’t say that, Bill.”

 

“You think I need to be h-here. I could be out l-looking for him.”

 

“Bill…” Eddie started. Bill lifted his head to meet Eddie’s gaze, but he crumbled when their eyes met. Eddie didn’t say anything else as he wrapped his arms tightly around Bill’s frame. Bill leaned in to Eddie and slumped against him. Edde leaned back against the arm of the couch and Bill followed him, clinging to Eddie’s small frame. They stayed like that for a while with Eddie whispering into Bill’s ear until Bill calmed down enough for Eddie to feel like everything would be okay.

 

While he had his head buried in Eddie’s shoulder, Bill wondered why Eddie did all of this for him. Bill had fucked up countless times but Eddie was always right by his side. Even when he didn’t agree with what Bill was doing, he’d set aside his morals to support his friend. Bill frowned when he realized that this was all because Eddie was hopelessly in love with him. Lifting his head, Bill used the sleeve of his shirt to wipe his face. Eddie’s mouth twisted in disgust, but he didn’t say anything. “We s-shouldn’t be this close.” Bill said, turning so he could study the treeline just past the window.

 

“What do you mean?”

 

“It isn’t healthy, Eds.”

 

“What are you talking about?”

 

“You’re o-obsessed with me.”

 

“Bill, we’re best friends. That’s it.”

 

“Then how do you explain the k-kisses.”

 

“We don’t have to do that.”

 

Bill bit his lip and closed his eyes for a moment. He knew he didn’t feel the same way about Eddie. He had too much guilt in his heart to try and think about how he felt about another person. Still, he knew that if he pushed Eddie away then he’d truly be alone. Biting his lower lip, Bill’s gaze fell to his hands. He was still for a while and he heard Eddie’s breathing pick up as his anxiety rose. Swallowing a lump in his throat, Bill leaned in and captured Eddie’s lips with his own.

 

“I don’t w-want to.” he mumbled when he pulled away, holding Eddie’s chin between his thumb and forefinger. Eddie’s eyes were wide and part of Bill felt bad for leading Eddie on like this. It wasn’t fair, but the alternative would crush both of them. Neither boy could handle that in their current state.

 

“I love you.” Eddie whispered, grabbing the hem of Bill’s shirt and trying to pull him closer. He meant it.

 

“I love you, t-too.” Bill replied, voice low as he leaned in to kiss Eddie again. He didn’t mean it.


	5. after we've lost everything

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> stan pulls the truth from bill. eddie doesn't take it well. mike gets to know beverly a little bit better.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry that it took so long to update !! tbh i see people on tumblr making moodboards and art for other people's fics and i see people talking to these fic writers All the time and it got me kind of discouraged?? bc i don't get that?? so i thought that my writing wasn't v good tbh but here's an update bc i couldn't just bail and i hope you guys like this !!
> 
> also my tumblr is @fairyling

Outside, Mike was sitting with Beverly. She was tapping her fingers against the picnic table and Mike watched as Stan, Richie, and Ben laid out a new game of cards. He bit the inside of his cheek and rested his chin in his hands. “Why don’t you go play with them, Beverly?”

Humming softly, Beverly’s eyes flitted over to the group of boys before they landed on Mike’s feature. “You’re pretty, Mike. Did you know that? I’m sure Richie’s told you. You’ve got warm eyes and a gentle face. Very pretty.” she explained, brushing her fingertips against his cheek.

Mike smiled softly and nodded a bit. “Thank you.” he watched as Beverly picked at the skin on her arm and he had almost forgotten that he had asked her a question. Beverly had long nails that were decorated with chipped, multi-color nail polish. It looked as if a child had painted them, but it seemed to make Beverly happy.

“Something is going to happen today. Something big.” she said after a few moments, looking up at Mike with a wild look in her eyes. There was something about Beverly that left Mike unsettled yet comfortable with her. Part of him wondered why she was here and how long she had been here, but he wasn’t sure if he could stomach whatever she had been through. “I can feel it in the air. Everyone is tense because of what happened with Stanny. A lot of people don’t feel safe.” she hummed.

Mike nodded along and he carefully reached out to grab Beverly’s hand. She stiffened, but didn’t pull away. She eyed him carefully and Mike frowned, letting go of her hand. “Sorry. I wanted to see your nails.” he explained, biting his lip. Beverly nodded and she reached out for Mike’s hand with a small smile.

“I don’t… If I’m not initiating the touch then it kind of scares me. It isn’t you or anything. It’s just… trauma.” she explained as she delicately played with Mike’s fingers. Mike nodded and he opened his mouth to apologize, but Beverly dismissed it before she could speak. “You didn’t mean any harm and you didn’t know. It isn’t a big deal.”

Mike was about to say something else but he saw Eddie and Bill coming through the door leading to the outside. Bill was a couple steps behind Eddie with a small frown on his lips, but Mike was starting to think that he had a permanent pout. Eddie looked happy and almost in a daze as he sat on the bench beside Ben. Bill sat beside Richie and the two exchanged a look, but didn’t say anything.

“Are they all friends?” Mike asked, watching Beverly. She continued on with her motions as if she didn’t hear him before shrugging.

“We’re all from the same area. Stan, Eddie, Richie, and Bill knew each other. Ben went to school with them but he kind of kept to himself. Or, that’s the story everyone is sticking with. None of them really talked to me there except for Bill. We knew each other as kids, though. We drifted apart when we got older.” she explained.

“Stan was the first one to get here. He’s been here for maybe a two months now? Richie showed up shortly after Stan and he still won’t own up to why. He’s been here for five and a half weeks. Ben won’t admit to when he got here and the others are either respecting their privacy or refusing to admit that they don’t remember. Bill came here three weeks ago and Eddie came here about a week and a half ago. Stan and Eddie have both been here before, though.”

Mike nodded and he bit his lower lip. “When did you get here?” he asked, softly. Beverly still hadn’t looked at him. If he didn’t know better, he’d think that she was reading his palm. As soon as the thought came up, he realized that he didn’t know better. There wasn’t much that he knew about Beverly and she very well could be reading his palm.

“I’ve been here for eighty-three days. People aren’t usually here that long, but I’m waiting on placement or some bullshit. They give me a different excuse each time I ask them which is impressive because I ask a lot.” she smiled, resting her palm on top of Mike’s and leaning across the table to get closer to him. “I’m starting to like it here, though. Some of the girls complain about the hair on their legs but no one has said anything to me so I don’t care. Even if they said something, it doesn’t matter.” she laughed. Beverly pulled her hand away from Mike’s after a few seconds and brushed some of her short hair away from her eyes.

“I’m from the same town as you guys. I know that I used to see you around. I was homeschooled, but I recognized your face.” Mike said, sticking his fingers in the holes of the picnic table.

“I knew I recognized you from somewhere. I thought you just had one of those pretty faces.” Beverly teased, twirling a short piece of hair around her finger. There was a warm smile on her lips and Mike nodded a bit.

“You’re kind. It’s kind of weird to think that my first morning here you were getting in trouble for hurting another patient.”

“She touched me and she’s always been a thorn in my side. I warned her.”

At the other table, the boys were silently playing a game of cards. It was a bit odd for them to all sit there so quietly, but it worked for a little while. Eventually Richie looked up and saw that Eddie was still smiling like a fool. “Why do you look like that, Eds? Did they finally cure you? Or is your mom coming to visit tonight? I’ll put on one of my clean shirts if that’s the case.” he said with a wink.

“My mother comes every night, you know that.” Eddie said, moving to kick Richie under the table. Richie yelped and Stan smirked when Eddie’s foot made contact. “I’m happy because Bill said he loved me.” Eddie whispered after looking over his shoulder to make sure that there weren’t any staff members listening in. Bill flushed and didn’t make eye contact with any of the others while Eddie beamed.

“Did he mean it?” Richie asked, looking at Bill skeptically.

Eddie nodded at the same time Stan shook his head and they stared at each other for a moment before Eddie spoke. “Of course he meant it. Why would you say something if you didn’t mean it?”

“To make the other person feel better, to make yourself feel better, to fool someone, to keep from losing someone, there’s a lot of reasons. Did you mean it, Bill?” Stan asked, resting his elbows on the table and staring Bill down.

“I–” Bill bit his lower lip and shook his head before getting up. “No, I d-didn’t.” he said as he ducked out of the conversation. Richie moved to get up and follow Bill, but Ben grabbed his wrist and kept him in his seat.

Eddie’s face morphed into a worrying expression. Stan went to say something, but Eddie shook his head. “Don’t. You have someone in love with you and you’re too in love with being sad to even notice it.” he hissed. Stan stared for a moment before looking at his hands folded on the table.

“Eddie, don’t take it out on Stan. This isn’t his fault.” Ben warned.

“Oh, right, ‘cause you know so much better? You’re in love with someone and you won’t even speak to her!” Eddie shouted, pushing himself up from the table and throwing his cards down.

“Walk away, Eddie. Walk away before you make this worse.” Richie said, moving to pick up the cards. Eddie stared for a moment and tears pricked at his eyes before he looked behind him at the staff members talking among each other. He mumbled a curse under his breath and walked over to the grass by the blacktop.

Stan looked over his shoulder to watch the boy walk away before he tugged the sleeves of his sweater over his hands and sighed softly. “What was he talking about? I’m not– No one is–” Stan cut himself off and shook his head, resting his chin in the crook of his elbow.

“You’re fine, Stan. He’s just mad. He’s trying to make other people hurt the way he’s hurting.” Richie said, setting the deck of cards in the center of the table and putting a hand on Stan’s arm. “He’s just… He doesn’t mean it.”

Ben nodded in agreement with Richie and he looked over at the table where Beverly was sitting with Mike. “Even if it was true, he shouldn’t have said it.” he said softly.

Bill went to sit by Mike and Beverly. The other two looked at him and by the expression on his face, they knew not to say anything to him. Instead Beverly continued talking about the other patients in the ward. She was explaining what to do and not to do around certain patients. Bill sat there and listened, allowing his mind to focus on anything other than what was making him mad.

Eddie sat in the grass and continued to pull weeds from the ground. Every now and again he’d glance up at the staff members that definitely were not paying attention to the patients. A few tears were still rolling down his cheeks, but he made no moves to wipe them away. Instead Eddie got up to get a basketball when Trevor accidentally missed the shot and it rolled away. “Don’t go where we can’t see you!” one of the members called as Eddie rounded the corner to get the ball.

Eddie stared at the ball for a moment while the staff member shouted another warning. Instead of picking it up, Eddie continued walking. His walk picked up pace to a run and Eddie was darting down the campus. He could hear the shouts of a few staff members as they ran after him. He was sure a code was being called and that he was going to be cornered before he could get too far. Even if that didn’t happen, his asthma would flare up and he wouldn’t be able to run forever. The cold air hit his face as he jumped over a speed bump and weaved through parked cars. People were shouting, but Eddie felt the most alive he had felt in months.

His lungs didn’t ache, quite the contrary. It was as if he was breathing better than he had ever breathed before. Eddie continued to run and new tears fell down his cheeks as it hit him how sad this was. He was upset because someone in the psych ward didn’t love him back. He was focusing on a romantic relationship instead of getting better. Now, here he was, running away from it all when he fully knew that he was going to get caught and this would set him at least three steps backwards. Large hands grabbed his elbow and smaller hands grabbed his other elbow. There was a staff member on each side holding his arms as they stopped him.

Eddie didn’t even struggle. He stopped running and walked with them when they started to bring him back to the unit. The tears were still running and Eddie was breathing heavily. “Eddie… Why did you do that? You know how things work around here…” Amanda’s voice broke through his thoughts and he saw her soft, concerned expression. He simply shook his head as she pulled out her badge to open the door to the unit. They brought him into the padded room dubbed the quiet room and the nurse brought him a small, plastic cup with two capsules inside of it. Eddie didn’t even ask what they were as he knocked them back and drained the Dixie cup that was offered to him.

“You’re going to stay in here tonight. Ian is going to sit in the doorway. Tomorrow you can talk to your counsellor about what happened. I’m pretty sure you know the drill for a code yellow, though.” Amanda said with a frown while Ian rolled over an office chair.

The patients were brought back inside about twenty minutes after Eddie coded. Beverly kissed Mike on the cheek and then Bill before she skipped away to the door for the girl’s side of the unit. Mike smiled fondly as she departed and he got up to follow the boys inside. Bill’s pout remained and he followed Mike. Mike followed Stan and Ben into the common area, but Richie waited to see Bill. “This is your fault, you know.” he said, pushing his glasses up on his face.

Bill stared at Richie, but didn’t say anything. Bill didn’t have to say anything for Richie to keep talking. “If you had just told him the truth from the start then this wouldn’t have happened. I know that you’re desperate for affection. Hell, I would be too if my kid brother died and my parents forgot that I fucking existed. Just because you’re hurting, though, doesn’t mean that the rest of us are doing fucking dandy. We’re all people with real human emotions, Bill. If you had been honest with him from the start he would have continued being your friend. You didn’t have to lie to him and fucking lead him on.” Richie said. Bill clenched his fist by his side, but he knew he couldn’t get into another fight.

“Get out of my f-fucking face.” Bill hissed, taking a step closer to Richie. Richie looked up at him with those wild, bloodthirsty eyes. As much as Bill wanted to give Richie exactly what he wanted and hit him, he knew he shouldn’t. He took a shaky breath and turned to go to his room. Richie considered calling something out after him, but decided not to and went into the common room.

“I miss home.” Stan said as Richie squeezed himself between Mike and Stan.

“You’ll get to go home soon, Stanny.” Richie cooed, resting his head on Stan’s shoulder. “Just don’t have too much fun if you leave before me.”

“I miss taking baths.” Stan decided, smiling a bit at Richie. “I’m taking a bath when I get home.”

Richie’s head shot up and he frowned at Stan. “No baths, Stan! Not ever. No baths.”

Stan rolled his eyes and pushed Richie back against the couch. “I had one mishap in the bath. That isn’t the norm. I’m allowed to take a bath if I want to and I want to.”

Richie eyed him wearily and grabbed Stan’s bony hand in his own. “Don’t do anything fucking stupid, Stan. I’m supposed to be the stupid one here, but you’re really giving me a run for my money.”

“I can’t give you a run for your money if you don’t have any money.”


	6. let's get to know each other slow and easily

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> eddie is facing the consequences for trying to run and mike is trying to really understand the dynamics.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay so i was gonna abandon this work tbh bc i just… feel like no one likes it lmao but idk there’s like two people on ao3 that were talking about it so idk i guess two ppl like it so i don’t wanna disappoint them?? idk… it’s just rlly discouraging bc there are so many more popular fics u feel?? and i’m pouring a lot of my heart into this but idk !! i’m just whining lmao but here’s a new chapter for code orange !! this one mainly focuses on mike and eddie tbh !! also tw: mentions of self harm, mentions of abuse, mentions of mental illness, mentions of a psych ward, mentions of suicide

“Eds! Still rocking that banana suit, baby!” Richie called with a wink as he leapt up from his seat at the breakfast table. Stan shot him a look when he knocked his milk cup and it wobbled as if it was going to fall over. Eddie looked over his shoulder and stopped for a moment to cast a look at Richie before following the staff member assigned to him into the common room. Mike learned that when someone tries to run it’s called a ‘code yellow’. It results in someone spending a night in the panic room and then they get to wear bright yellow scrubs while having a staff member assigned to them. They also get one day on building restriction and he learned that building restriction was when you couldn’t leave the unit. Eddie seemed to be doing okay with all of this because it gave him an excuse to avoid Bill who was primarily sulking in corners.

 

Mike threw away the styrofoam bowl that had his cereal in it and slid past Richie to follow Eddie into the common area. Ben, Stan, Richie, and Bill were still in there eating and so were a few other patients. Noah and Alex were sitting in the common room and so was Eddie. Noah had his nose in a book while Alex had a beanie pulled down over his eyes and his arms folded over his chest. Mike sat in a chair by the window that was beside Eddie’s. “Hey, Mikey.” Eddie smiled, turning to look at Mike with a tired look. Mike figured that he’d felt a bit isolated since people didn’t want to get too close to staff members when they were having private conversations. It also didn’t help that him and Bill were avoiding each other. It wasn’t that the other’s intentionally chose sides, it was more that they could talk about what they wanted around Bill. If they were around Eddie than they risked being reprimanded by the staff member assigned to him. “How was breakfast? I know Richie always complains about the cereal and he pours, like, four things of honey in his Cheerios but the plain cereal is really good for you. It isn’t really that bad.”

 

“I don’t mind it.” Mike said, resting his cheek against the back of the chair and watching Eddie. Mike never really got the chance to study Eddie, but he was pretty. He had soft, delicate features. He always looked a little tired and a little sick, but Mike wasn’t sure if that was just the environment they were in. His hair looked fluffy and Mike wondered what if would feel like if he touched it. Eddie had warm brown eyes, but there was something behind them that tugged on his heartstrings. Biting his lower lip, Mike averted his eyes to look out the window behind Eddie rather than staring at the other boy. The more he stared, the more he wondered why Bill wasn’t interested in him and that wasn’t something that Mike thought he should be thinking about. “It’s kind of weird being here. When I first got here, I wanted to get out as soon as possible. I know that my parents need my help on the farm and I miss what my life was. The longer I’m here, though, the more I realize that I need the help. I feel safer here and I feel like I can be myself here. I still don’t know what exactly is wrong but I want to figure it out. I want to get better. I’m just… scared, I guess? I know a lot of people keep coming back here and I don’t want that for me. I want to just get better and go one with my life.”

 

A sad smile spread across Eddie’s lips and Eddie reached a small, cold hand out to rest on top of Mike’s larger, warm hand. “Mikey, it isn’t that easy. No one just gets better and gets on with their life. I know I’m no expert on recovery, but I know that every day is a struggle. You have to work on being better and doing better every day. It isn’t like one day you’re just cured. That’s why so many people come back. They think that they’re cured so they stop working the system, they stop using the tricks that they learned because they think that they’re all better.” he explained, voice soft. Eddie watched Mike for a few moments before copying his actions and resting his cheek against the back of his chair and pulling his knees up to his chest. The staff member assigned to Eddie cleared his throat and Eddie frowned, pulling his hand away from Mike. “I think you have the best chance out of all of us to get better, though. Bev, Bill, and me have a hard time at home. When we leave here, we’re just going back into a hostile environment and it’s hard to stay healthy when everything around you is so unhealthy. Stan is just… I think he defines himself by what’s wrong with him. I think he’s so scared that when he gets better, he’ll lose who he is so he just… clings to it. Richie doesn’t have bad parents, but there’s a disconnect and he’s never really been happy. He searches fights because he only feels like he’s worth something when someone is beating on him. He’s got a lot to work through but I think that he believes that since he isn’t, technically, hurting anyone that he’s fine.”

 

“What about Ben?”

 

“Ben is… I’m not sure, really. Ben is trying. He’s been trying for a while, but he just… I think he relies too much on everyone else’s opinion of him. He’s so nervous and eager to be accepted that he’ll do whatever he needs to do to be liked by all of us. Despite that, he doesn’t think he deserves it. He doesn’t see himself as deserving of any of our friendships and he definitely doesn’t think he deserves love. He’s got a lot to work through. As far as I know he’s got a good mom, but I’m not totally sure. I don’t think he’d say it if she wasn’t good.”

 

A silence fell over the boys and Mike could feel Eddie’s eyes on him. He glanced at him and there was something in Eddie’s eyes that Mike couldn’t pinpoint. He was about to open his mouth to ask, but Richie came clamboring in and decided to sit in Mike’s lap. “Eds, yellow is a fantastic color on you. I think you should wear more of it. It makes you look like a literal ray of sunshine which is probably the most deceiving thing in the world.” Richie teased. He reached out to pinch Eddie’s cheeks only to have his hand slapped away. The staff member looked over and shot Richie a look which Richie shot back. The two stared at each other for a good thirty seconds before Richie caved and got off of Mike’s lap. He looked at Mike for a moment as if he was deciding on something before he shrugged and sat down on the couch to the left. “What are you two losers talking about, anyway? Are you talking about how hot Eddie’s mom is? I can’t wait to go back to hitting that when I get out of here.” he winked and Eddie shot him a glare.

 

Before anyone could say anything else most of the other patients came into the common room. Morning group was supposed to be starting any moment so everyone found a seat in the common area and Mike watched the door for one of their staff members to come in with the binder. It took about three minutes before Lou came in and sat down in the rolling chair by the door. He pushed the door shut and went around the room. Everyone introduced themselves, said why they were in the hospital, and stated a goal for the day. It went like every other morning group had since Mike arrived a week ago. Mike had quickly learned the routine and there were some things that left him skeptical but he opted to keep his mouth shut. The group typically lasted about half an hour and then they had about fifteen minutes before their DBT group started. Typically when they were in the group part of their days, Mike didn’t really socialize. He really wanted to get as much as he could out of the groups so he focused and he listened. He was very attentive and he kept all of the handouts in his folder so he could look them over.

 

It wasn’t until lunch that he relaxed and started joking with the others. In group they had discussed the importance of “walking the middle path” and Mike could very easily see how he could not only apply that to his life, but to the situation at hand between Eddie and Bill. Still, he kept his mouth shut about that. It wasn’t his place to comment and he figured that if it got too out of hand, the staff members could get involved. It wasn’t his business to begin with. Mike got his food after waiting in line and he decided to sit down next to Eddie. Richie and Ben were side by side and Richie was talking animatedly about something while Ben pushed some food around his plate. Stan was sitting next to Bill and Bill was talking in a hushed tone while Stan watched the other patients get their food. “Hey, Ed, can I sit here?” Mike asked, standing by the chair while he waited for an answer. Eddie smiled and nodded a bit, pushing the chair out with his foot so Mike could sit down. “I think you can get better, too. What we were talking about earlier… I think everyone here can get better.” Mike said after a moment, not looking up from his food while he spoke. “I don’t know what you’re going through or why you’re here or what your life at home is like, but… I don’t know. Maybe it’s dumb.” he laughed, softly. “I just like to think that everyone is capable of getting better. Everyone deserves to be happy. Everyone deserves to enjoy their life.”

 

A silence fell over them and for a moment Mike wondered if Eddie had heard him speak or if maybe he had crossed a line with what he had said. He pushed his food around his plate while he decided what to eat first and after a few moments, Eddie spoke up. “That’s… That’s really sweet of you, Mikey.” he finally said, voice thick. “I… My mom isn’t bad. She’s just… I don’t know. The other’s say she’s bad and my counsellor says she’s bad, but she loves me. I know that she loves me. So, if she loves me then what she’s doing isn’t bad. It can’t be bad. She’s doing what she thinks is best for me and just because everyone else disagrees doesn’t mean it’s bad. I might… Maybe I’m the problem, you know? Maybe I’m just not a good kid. I mean, she’s gotta be stressed. I’m sick all the time and that can’t be easy on her.” he mumbled. Mike looked up and Eddie was staring at his food before he took a mouthful of the rice on his plate. Something about what Eddie said felt wrong, but Mike wasn’t sure he could fully pinpoint what it was.

 

“Have you been sick since you got here?”

 

“Well… no.”

 

“That’s something, yeah? Maybe you’re getting better.”

 

“They say it’s all in my head. They say that I’m not as sick as I think I am and that it’s my mom convincing my that I’m sick. I don’t… remember the words. How would I get all of that medication if I wasn’t sick, though? Why would I have an inhaler if I didn’t have asthma? It just doesn’t make sense.” he shrugged. There was something in his voice, though. Something told Mike that Eddie didn’t even fully believe what he was saying. Mike didn’t know the situation and he didn’t want to pretend he did, it wasn’t his place. Still, he couldn’t help but wonder if maybe Eddie didn’t even fully believe what he was saying.

 

“Well… I still think you deserve to be happy. I think you can get better. I’ve got hope for you.” he finally said, tapping Eddie’s hand with his own so that the other would look at him. When their eyes met, Mike offered Eddie a warm smile. Eddie’s toes nudged Mike’s under the table and Mike tried to ignore the small flip his stomach did and the blush creeping up Eddie’s neck.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if there's anything you want to see or any way you want the fic to go, please leave comments !! i'm not 100% certain on which direction i'm going to take this and i'm definitely open to see what you guys want !!! also please talk to me about this fic bc i do really love writing it !! my tumblr is @ fairyling if you want to see some of the stuff i've written that hasn't been posted here yet !


	7. i don't want to die without a few scars

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> bill and richie talk a bit

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this one is mostly about bill and richie but it isn't a romantic chapter ! it's just about them ! i had like a plan for what i was doing with this chapter but then i have been working over eight hour shifts every day and my family moved and i only just got internet back today !! sorry if this is a bit messy !!

It was Mike’s third week of being in the hospital and he laughed when he watched Richie dramatically drape himself over Ben’s lap. Ben didn’t react much but his hand hovered in the air, seemingly unsure of where he could rest his hand. Richie laughed softly and grabbed Ben’s hand, pressing a kiss to his palm before intertwining their fingers. A blush spread to Ben’s cheeks, but Richie didn’t seem to notice. Instead Richie rolled over onto his side and looked at the other people sitting in the room. It was late and a lot of the patients had decided to go to bed leaving Richie, Ben, Mike, Bill, and a few other patients that Mike hadn’t quite gotten close to sitting in the room. “You know, Big Bill, if you keep pouting like that all day they’re never going to send you home. You just have one of those really… sad looking faces. Why do you always look like that? It’s like resting bitch face but instead of a bitchy face it’s just a pout.”

 

“Richie, shut the fuck up.”

 

Pushing himself up from Ben’s lap, Richie pressed a loud, smacking kiss to Ben’s cheek before moving to sit down in the chair beside Bill. “No, I just… You want to go home, right?”

 

“Honestly?”

 

“Yeah. Be honest with me. Be real with me. No one important is listening in, it’s just you and me. Let me know what’s up.”

 

“No, I don’t want to go home.”

 

“Do you want to be here forever?”

“Do you?”

 

“No. I want to go home. We’re not talking about me, though.”

 

“We never talk about you. You dodge questions.”

 

“Like you’re doing now?”

 

Ben cleared his throat from his spot on the couch and Richie looked over Bill’s shoulder to give him a curious look. Ben got up and walked over to Richie, patting his shoulder and giving him a look that let Richie know to not push too far. With that, Ben walked out of the room and presumably went to bed. Richie watched him for a moment and he was left a bit confused, perplexed by the interaction. Ben was clearly trying to get something across but Richie was missing it completely. “Bill, Billy, Billiam. We’ve known each other since we were five years old, yeah?”

 

“Did you really fry your brain so much that you forgot?”

 

“Maybe. I still remember that you weren’t always like this, though.”

 

“We met because I punched you on the playground.”

 

“I deserved it. I made Eds cry and you were standing up for him. I remember you stood up for the little guy all the time. Whether it was Eds, Georg--”

 

“Rich, please.”

 

“It’s been years, Bill. You still can’t even hear his name?”

 

“It isn’t… It was my fault, Rich. I should have gone with him.”

 

“You were puking your brains out!”

 

“They blame me, though.”

 

“Who? Your folks? They don’t blame you. They just… I don’t know. I’m not one of those fucking therapists and I’m not going to psychoanalyze you because that’s just fucking stupid. It isn’t your fault, though.”

 

“Then why don’t they talk to me? Why don’t they visit me?”

 

“I… I don’t know. I don’t have an answer to that. I mean, do you really want an answer or do you want a change?”

 

“I’m not going to get either.”

 

“Yeah, well, what are you going to do about it?”

 

“I don’t know. What I have been doing doesn’t work.”

 

“I mean, I do love a man that knows how to throw a good punch.” 

 

“Yeah? Why’s that?”

 

Richie fell silent and his gaze dropped to Bill’s bruised knuckles before he pushed his glasses up on the bridge of his nose. “I don’t… have a good answer.”

 

“Why do you do most of the things you do?”

 

“I think… If I’m not fucked up then what’s the point?”

 

“What do you mean?”

 

“It just doesn’t make sense. I didn’t have a shitty home life. My parents and I never really connected but they did love me. They do love me. The only reason they don’t visit is because I asked them not to come and visit all the time. I know that’s shitty to say, but I just… I don’t know. I guess I only feel like I’m allowed to feel upset if I’m fucked up or getting fucked up.”

 

“Do you know why you feel upset?”

 

“No. How fucked up is it that, in a weird twisted way, I’m jealous of you? Like… I wish I had your life so then I’d have a reason to feel as awful as I do.”

 

“You want me life? You can have it.”

 

“That’s not…” Richie sighed and ran a hand through his tangled hair. “You have it shitty. I know that. I get that. I probably have it the best out of all the kids here. I’m just ungrateful, I guess.” 

 

“You’re not ungrateful, Rich.”

 

“Really? I steal money from my parents so I can go--”

 

“Boys, it’s time for bed. Pack up your stuff and go to your rooms. You can talk more tomorrow.” One of the night nurses poked her head into the doorway and smiled as the boys exchanged a look. Richie had forced a smile onto his lips, but Bill could easily see past the toothy grin. 

 

“We’ll all figure it out, Rich.” Bill mumbled, fingers brushing Richie’s arm as he grabbed his folder, book, and journal and walked to his room. As he walked away he could hear Richie’s voice as he flirted with the nurse. Bill sat down on the edge of his bed and glanced over at Ben. He had his notebook beside him in his bed and Bill figured that he had fallen asleep while writing some poetry once again. A small, sad smile passed his features and Bill walked over to take the book from Ben’s arms and set it on the nightstand. He tugged the covers up tighter around his roommate before he went to sit on his own bed.

 

He remembered the day he got admitted to the hospital. He remembers the first time he got admitted. Bill had yet to tell the doctors that he could still hear Georgie at times. He could still see him if he wasn’t thinking about it. He’d often double take when they passed the younger units because he’d think that he saw a familiar yellow raincoat on the playground for the children. He was never there, though. Every time Bill was just hit with the crushing reminder that his kid brother was dead and that there was nothing he could do about it. 

 

His parents had visited once since he had been admitted the most recent time. The first time he was admitted, they tried to visit more to save face. By now, though, they didn't bother. They’d come for family sessions and that was it. Every now and again they would answer his calls during their time on the phone but even that was hit or miss. The first time he had come to the unit, it was because of a rather nasty fight. Both boys were beaten up pretty bad but they had been nervous about Bill. He had shown before that he wasn’t in a stable place and other people in his life thought that this was his way of dealing with the trauma of losing his brother. Even then, though, with a major concussion and broken and bruised, his parents hardly batted an eye. Bill sometimes wondered if they would mourn him if he died and he often thought that they wouldn’t.

 

Opening his folder, Bill flipped through some of his drawings before he found a blank piece of paper. He leaned on the night stand by his bed and worked on sketching a drawing of Georgie. He tried drawing from memory, pulling from a memory of when they went to the park together a few months before the storm. Georgie was blowing on wish flowers and he couldn’t stop laughing when the seeds got stuck in Bill’s auburn hair. Bill remembers getting frustrated with Georgie for blowing them at him, but now he would do anything just to hear his brother laugh again. He would do anything just to see his brother again.


End file.
